Tag: positive thinking

Rating Our Health

I was at the doctor’s office with a form asking me to rate my health from poor to excellent. That’s always a tricky one.

The obvious choice to me is excellent. But then I wonder what the doctor would think. I have a couple of “conditions” which might suggest otherwise.

  • High blood pressure since I was pregnant with Hunter, my fifth born son who turns 30 this year

  • High cholesterol and a scan confirming I have a bit of arterial build up
  • Ten years of living with rheumatoid arthritis, a disease involving a lot of pain and a long healing process. And many life changes.
  • Osteoporosis, which the doctor said requires drugs. “You’re a small framed older white woman. It is inevitable,” she said.
  • Three melanoma moles, gratefully discovered early and removed. Thank you New Jersey shore and baby oil.

Knowing those conditions would be revealed on the form, I still checked “excellent.” 

When I check excellent, I do it because I am the one that gets to decide what my health looks like. Not the doctors, not the labs, not the test results. I get to decide.

I definitely have not ignored doctors, labs, or test results. On the contrary, I have taken each one very seriously.  But I recognize the responsibility I have to be involved in my healing process.

It’s certainly not the case I have it all figured out. Or that I won’t be affected by any of them. Or that I’m never in fear about them. I just want to be assured that I have done the best I could with the one body I have been given.

Getting older takes a lot of work. It might be “easier” if we just let life happen and accept aches and pains and conditions as part of it all. But my philosophy is to believe we don’t just get older, we also get wiser. 

I’m going to be looking at what I’ve learned from each condition, beginning with bone health and muscle loss. If there is one person that can benefit from this, it’s worth putting it out there. There are principles that apply to more than just a diagnosis. They apply to life.

Older and wiser. That’s our portion. Let’s lean into it.

Sounds of Silence

As we get older, our lives often get quieter. Perhaps at times, even silent. What do we believe about the silence that can surround us during this season?

“Hello darkness my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again.” Hauntingly captivating or painfully paralyzing.

When we are younger, silence is often a welcome respite. I remember, raising five children, the times that I found myself alone in my home. I wouldn’t turn on music or do anything that might disturb that glorious sound of nothing.

But today, silence is often a reminder that retreating is no longer necessary. We may even be tempted to run from it, turning on music or picking up our phones. Perhaps we need to look at the quiet and get brave enough to sit with it. The question I try to answer these days is: What is silence holding in her hands? At this season in life, silence still offers us gifts.

1. One of the most important gifts that silence offers us is the space to craft a different narrative, one that will reorient our perspective and point our minds in a more purposeful and hopeful direction. We get influenced all day long by social media, news, family, drama of all types. We can get a sense of heaviness, not realizing how we even go there. It’s good to stop, identify our thoughts, and refocus where necessary.

2. Silence also offers us space to listen to our own heart beat, a heart that we can hear be full of gratitude for another day to lead our bodies in life. We allow (and sometimes force) gratitude to have the loudest voice.

3. Finally, and possibly most important, is the space to connect with God, or Love, or whatever it is that’s bigger than us. Because if we’re the measure of all that there is, our story will consume us. It was never meant to be our yardstick for measuring joy or happiness or contentment. So we stop to breathe deeply, meditate on all that is beautiful, pray. We change perspective.

Silence allows us to hear the deep longing of our own hearts. It’s centering, painful, and hopeful all at once.

I am learning to not only accept the hauntingly captivating beauty of silence; I am learning to embrace her hallowed space. Noise often cobbles together a storyline that’s less than encouraging. Silence allows us to identify the lies we hold about ourselves, especially relative to aging, and craft a story that’s more hopeful. We need that story and so do the people we touch everyday.

“Hello darkness my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again.” There’s a lot she has to share with us.

Stories of Connection

“Sending memes, links and videos to others isn’t trivial.
It suggests that you’re thinking of them.
It’s known as pebbling, based on penguins
gifting pebbles to potential partners.
Pebbling is an act of care. Every pebble is a bid for connection.”
~Adam Grant

I LOVE this. Connecting with someone sends a message: “You are not alone.”

Talking about his mental health struggles, Michael Phelps said that he and a few friends check in on each other all the time. “I will be going through some kind of spell, spill, spiral — whatever you want to call it — and bing, my phone lights up, a text comes through. I’m able to relax because you don’t feel alone in that moment.”

I love the physical connections with friends. There are friends that I walk with, and while the exercise is great, being with them is the best part. Then there’s the, “Let’s grab coffee,” or “You free for a glass?” Each connection happens on a different level and they are all my favorite. 

But sometimes a connection is just the expression of a thought. I read a story about two older women who share a heart emoji when they wake up just to let the other know they’re being thought of. And that they’re each still there!

Every morning I play Wordle and Quortle. A friend does the same and we share our scores with each other. While we cheer each other on for the rare great score, it’s about connection. We check in with each other, and usually can tell when the other might be having a moment.

This morning, after sharing her scores, she texted, “How are you doing? I’m around all day if you want to chat.” I am not alone this morning. Pebbling.

There is a crow that comes to my yard frequently. I make sure our little fountain has clean water. I always acknowledge him and I believe he senses my care for him. We connect and I believe he “pebbles” me too. It’s important to remember that we connect to so much around us, especially when we’re feeling alone.

So let’s not trivialize the small gestures of connection. We never know if someone is going through some kind of “spell, spill or spiral.” If I happen to send a heart emoji, here is everything that little red icon means: “I’m thinking about you. I care about how you’re doing. And I love you. I’m here if you need to chat.”

Maybe they could add a little pebble to the emoji list♥️ 

Friendships for Life. Or Not.

Life is hard. And complicated. Relationships so often help us navigate all that. But sometimes they are the source of that. I have had this conversation numerous times over the past months.

We all know people that were an important part of our lives.  And then small, very incremental, changes began happening. And we find ourselves no longer sharing the same experiences, feelings, or lifestyles. Very often, we become sad or confused, left wondering what went wrong with that relationship.

But the reality is that nothing really went “wrong.” Change will often break things down and put them back together again. Just not always in the same way. It’s challenging when friendships fall prey to this rearranging.

If we don’t realize that this happens to all of us, we can become resentful of the other person or left feeling guilty that we are somehow at fault for the changes. 

We’ve heard the adage, “Friends come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” The problem arises when we think someone is a lifetime friend when things begin changing. That’s a tough one.

When life changes, and we no longer see certain friends every day like we used to, it’s natural for our lives to drift apart a little. That’s normal. Often, we will still find ways to get together, catch up, and enjoy each other. 

But then there are people who want more from us than we can give at this time. Or they relate with us from the perspective of who we once were. We often wish we could go back and pick up where we left off. But we usually can’t. The changes that have taken place dictate that’s not possible. 

It’s important to realize that it’s normal for relationships to shift. As hard as it is, we have to learn to release our expectations of what will be, without disparaging our memories of what once was.

Releasing someone we once thought would be in our lives forever, and not resenting them or feeling guilty because that has changed, is a sign of growth. We grieve the loss, express gratitude for what once was, and trust the future holds promise for the both of us. Not easy but sometimes it’s the only way to keep moving forward.

Talking the Walk

We can all relate to having a hard day. There are things either swirling around or laying heavy somewhere deep inside. Sometimes we can’t even identify what is going on, but even if we know, we don’t always know what to do about it all.

Sometimes it helps to talk about it all. I think we can also relate to sitting with someone and sharing all the feelings. In that sharing, we usually don’t want solutions or advice. We certainly do not want to be fixed. We just want to be heard. Maybe we want a hug.

I was in counseling for a season to work through some trauma that I had been through. My therapist was my safe space to process all the emotions I had been going through. One day she commented that I didn’t seem to be embracing anything she was offering.

It confused me as well until I realized it wasn’t advice I wanted. What I really needed was space to process my thoughts and feelings out loud, without any fear of pushback for having those feelings. Maybe like many others, I had never really been able to do that. 

When we’re younger and face problems raising kids, or working through marriage difficulties, or career challenges, there are zillion books waiting to offer advice. When we’re older, the books are fewer. And we’re not always looking for advice because we understand that some things don’t have answers. They have pathways of acceptance. 

So we need an ear. It’s hard to process out loud when we’re alone. But a friend, or counselor, who will be an ear for our processing is invaluable. When we talk things out, we are sometimes surprised by what we say. Oh, I guess I’m feeling insecure, or fearful, or envious, or manipulated. Maybe we’re just sad and not in control of anything. Whatever the feeling, it might take a minute to figure out.

Knowing that we can all benefit from people who will do that for us, it would be good to remember we can do it for others as well. We can be the kind of friend (partner, co-worker, parent, child) who will just offer space for someone to process. Can we practice all the self control we can muster to not offer advice, or opinions, or fixes?

Unless someone begins the conversation with “I need some advice,” we should assume that we are simply a a safe space. We should stop and recognize the honor that comes with someone trusting us. And we should never violate that trust by coming in hard with opinions or advice. 

I don’t know if there’s a greater gift we can give to another than space for processing. When we don’t listen with the intent to reply, we can truly hear, helping the other push forward with their own thoughts. Gaps of silence don’t get filled with our own ideas because we are waiting for them to figure out theirs. It helps them feel loved, cared for, and worthy of our attention. 

Listening is the loud silence which communicates we are present, soft, and open. It helps the other step into feeling valued, heard, and seen. Mostly it helps them figure out what they are really going through. Talking helps with walking. A little steadier, a little more confident, and a little more loved. 

The Final Bloom: Or Is It?

So I bought my Christmas amaryllis early November. You heard the story. It didn’t bloom by that holiday, but it had a message for me. Bloom whenever the hell you want. No timetables, baby.

I had written that there is usually activity beneath the surface, but the eye just isn’t picking up on it. Suddenly the thing blooms and we are taken by surprise. It eventually dies back and we are grateful for the beautiful flower it brought forth.

But then, when we expect nothing at all, it blooms again. Well, I didn’t think you had another bloom in you, little guy. And there you go, showing us all that blooms happen even when we think there’s nothing left. This is the third time I’ve been surprised by him.

How many life lessons did that little bulb teach me? 

  1. We need to be patient and trust the process. Time is not our enemy.
  2. Just because the eye doesn’t pick up on activity doesn’t mean that none is taking place.
  3. There is a time for every purpose under heavens but usually we don’t get to choose that time;  that time chooses us.
  4. Maybe the one bloom isn’t the end of the story. Maybe it’s a series of blooms that pop over time when they’re ready. Just because we bloomed once doesn’t mean we’re done.

What we need is the hope that everything resting inside of us will pop when the time is right. We were designed in love to hold so much beauty deep within. I thought that little flower was done, but then I noticed  a little green sprout at the base. I kept it in the light to see if it had anything left. Once again, the amaryllis bloomed.  

I feel a connection with this little flower. We talk and laugh and tell each other we are awesome. I got a lot of bloom left in me. Maybe we’ll both be a little beautiful, loud, and out of place. A perfect, if not at all predictable, time for every purpose under heaven.

Passion: Dream It or Live It

waterfalls

“Do what you love and you won’t work a day in your life.”

This quote gets thrown around like a guiding principle for life. Find your passion. Do what you love. Don’t settle. Don’t work.

For many, passion has become the number one deciding factor in pursuing careers. And it can be confusing, misleading, and wrong for so many people.

During times of career challenges, I have listened to people ask my husband: What are you passionate about? He couldn’t think of one thing, at least relative to work. He had been in sales and, as anyone who knew my husband could attest, sales was definitely not his passion. But he couldn’t think of a passion which would lead him to a new job. That question often led to discouragement.

I think a better principle might be: “Be passionate about your life and you will find a million ways to be passionate about your job.” Then, even though you may have a job that isn’t your passion, you see a bigger picture. Maybe seemingly “lesser values” need to come forward again. Maybe values like respect, faithfulness, excellence, and kindness are not fully developed and need to come forth.

Being passionate about life can influence so many others. It is how we think about our everyday, ordinary lives. No matter what our circumstances—which, by the way, are always in flux.

Knowing our value apart from what we do is paramount. If we wait to find our passion or decide that life only counts when we are living our dream, we miss a lot of life. It’s not about resigning to life as it is, but rather having a confidence that I am where I am for a reason. It isn’t a lazy “settling,” but a purposeful trusting. We need to recognize that the everyday things of today are training us for tomorrow. Which may or may not translate to “having the job we love.”

My husband eventually got another sales job. It was not his “dream job,” but he has given it everything he has, has treated people with respect, and has valued his customers with the highest level of customer service. The man without a passion for sales just got named one of the top sales reps in the country. And rewarded with an amazing trip to sunny tropical places!

Follow dreams, passions, and adventure whenever that is the right course. But always remember that our lives are intrinsically valuable apart from what we do. If we are passionate about our lives, every day affords the opportunity to practice excellence, respect, and kindness. We can make our everyday ordinary lives look like they matter a whole lot. Because really, they do.

“How we do anything is how we do everything.”

The Question We Have to Ask

Hammock-3

All of us on Facebook see that question multiple times a day. We pay little attention to what it’s really asking us. Because the answer to that question isn’t as simple as it might seem. The Laboratory of Neuro Imaging estimates we think about 70,000 thoughts a day.  “What’s on my mind?” Apparently so many things!

We live in an age where most of our stress comes from our thoughts, and chronic stress wreaks havoc on our cellular well-being. I have found this out the hard way! The bottom line is that our thoughts matter.

We have all had days where our thoughts have been off. Like, “killing-me-softly-John Wayne-slow death” off. One thought leads to another and we find ourselves in a place we don’t even recognize. “How was your day, babe?” Oh dear.

Most of us get tripped up when we are unaware what we are thinking and how we have been influenced. I was recently talking with friends about how social media affects our thinking. One admitted she complained to her husband that they were the only family she knew that had never gone hiking.  “You’ve been on Facebook, haven’t you?” he asked. Others joined in with similar stories. All of us can fall prey to comparison, from content to dissatisfied in a heartbeat. And we often don’t even recognize what happened.

But aren’t we smarter than making conclusions based on status updates and one-off pictures? Research suggests that we are born with a desire to evaluate ourselves, and we don’t get test grades on how we are doing with relationships, work, parenting, and other responsibilities. So we find other ways.

In You are the Placebo, author Joe Dispenza argues that competition is among our basic survival emotions. Survival emotions are selfish; their primary concern is safety. As we scroll the highlight reel of Facebook, they let us know where we may not be “winning.” Haven’t we all experienced a time where we were left with a sense of not measuring up after being on social media? It’s just our internal grading system wanting us to know that the competition may be out in front.

A couple practices can help us through the potential minefield of negative and comparative thoughts that become part of the 70,000 that flood us on a daily basis–thoughts that contribute to stress and, ultimately, lack of wholeness and well-being.

  1. We can recognize that our ego is always protecting us. As those who want to champion, support, and encourage others, we need to periodically check for thoughts that can make us competitive. Our ego isn’t concerned about logic; it’s concerned about survival.
  1. We can spend time each morning meditating on ideas that cause us to think positively. New brain cells are generated while we sleep. They don’t need yesterday’s thoughts giving them wings. Being aware of thoughts first thing gives us a better chance of thinking about things that are inspiring, positive, and beautiful.
  1. We can create habits that help us think differently. If something has been occupying all our attention, maybe a wide-angle perspective would be helpful. There is always way more happening around us than what we see in that one frame. We might just need to take 10 minutes and switch out our lens.
  1. We can breathe fresh thoughts into our being. When my thoughts become negative or overwhelming, I am learning to stop and breathe thoughts that help me shift. “I have more than enough for this moment.” “There is beauty all around me.” As I breathe in, I allow the positive thoughts to displace the others. I exhale all that is not helpful, trusting that those thoughts are physically leaving my body.

I have to set my mind on the good, the beautiful, the positive–even before I get out of bed. That gives opportunity for thoughts that include gratitude, kindness, compassion, and patience. They are always a good idea. Positive thoughts not only influence our well-being, they influence the well-being of those we touch. Every single day.

“What’s on your mind?” A question we need to ask all day long.