On Friendship

Being a good friend is about reassurance; it’s about letting our friends know that we believe in them, we trust them, we like them.

An important part of friendship is listening, but here’s the key: To truly listen, we must learn not to compete with their narrative.

When someone shares a challenge, or sadness, or loss with us, they are opening a window into their soul, at that moment. Part of our growth as a good friend is allowing others to take all the air. It’s not always a ping pong match, volleying stories over the net. When someone is sharing something hard with us, we need to resist the temptation to pop the ball back over.

If we hear it like they need us to fix them, we undervalue their strength. It is a slice of their heart, not the entirety. If they don’t ask us to help, we should not offer words. In offering our ears, we endorse their strength.

As we get older, we’re likely to have had an experience that is similar to what they are describing. We can be tempted to jump in and share, giving them the advice or adage that helps them feel better. We all do that from time to time.

But real listening quietly communicates that we believe in them. They are stronger than they know. As our shoulder presses up against their shoulder, our bond with them strengthens. I so value my friends who know when I am going through something and ask, How are you, really? It’s a question we can all learn to sincerely ask.

By resisting the urge to fix our friends, turning their vulnerability into a counseling session, we endorse their strength. After they have a chance to share all that’s in their heart, we have a chance to let them know they are both heard and seen. And that we believe in them.

And isn’t that what we all want? To be seen, to believe we are strong, and to know we are not alone.